South Park is a special series to me. I watched the original broadcast of Cartman Gets an Anal Probe when I was eleven and my life was forever changed. Hearing the news yesterday that South Park was renewed for three more seasons was a godsend as I’d feared this coming season would be the last. I cannot imagine life without South Park. I’ve literally been watching it for two-thirds of my life. That’s insane to think about. I can’t imagine the impact the show has had on my world view or my sense of humour.
In Canada, it originally aired on Global at 9:30pm, and very quickly, either after the pilot or the next few episodes, the show was pushed back to midnight on Friday nights, no doubt due to public outrage, so I had no choice but to tape it because I wasn’t allowed to be up so late. So between me and by brother, we had every episode recorded on VHS so we watched them over and over again. I remember taking the tapes to my babysitter’s to watch with my friend and she walked in on the reveal of who Cartman’s father was and she lost it when she was revealed to be a hermaphrodite. While my parents had no issue with my watching South Park, many of my friends weren’t allowed so I was the black market supplier of South Park among my friends. I remember the pain at their April Fool’s joke when they dropped Not Without My Anus on as in Season Two and then I immediately forgot the pain because few things give me more joy than South Park making fun of Canada.
Twenty-Two years later, I can’t believe the show is still going despite all the outrage it caused and I can’t believe the quality is still generally high. The Simpsons began petering out around season twelve and most people of my generation stopped watching new episodes years ago. Yet whenever South Park airs a new episode, even though ratings are the lowest they’ve ever been, it’s usually talked about. The fact that a low-budget, cardboard, stop-motion animated TV show about foul-mouthed kids, aliens, and anal probes became an institution of cultural criticism, reflection, and mockery, is a truly special thing.
In modern times, in the grip of cancel culture, political correctness, and wrong think, the persistence of South Park is more important than ever. A show like South Park would never be greenlit these days and, if it was, it wouldn’t last long. Cable companies or streaming services would no doubt cave to the Twitter mob and cancel a show like this. South Park is the lingering remnant of a bygone era when people could laugh at themselves and each other, when we were allowed to criticize each other, groups of people, beliefs, politics, and so much more, without sparking an instant firestorm of self-indignant vitriol. South Park is so established and has “gone there” hundreds of times that I don’t think it’s possible for South Park to be cancelled, even if the creators start their own hashtag #CancelSouthPark. And the day Trey Parker and Matt Stone opt to retire production will be the end of more than a crude, funny, and intelligent animated series, it will be a critical blow to freedom of speech and artistic expression because it will never be replaced.
To celebrate 300 episodes of South Park, I rewatched the entire series from start to finish and ranked every single episode. Originally this only went to Season 22, but I've edited posts to include Season 23. Multipart episodes are considered a single episode so the rankings start at 289 instead of 307. With each episode ranked, I'll offer a few thoughts on it.
If you want to yell at me for ranking a favourite episode so low or an episode you don’t like so high, you’re free to yell at me by sending me an e-mail at countercultureshockbt@gmail.com
I can’t believe someone had taken countercultureshock@gmail.com. Fuck them.
289. Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics
Season 3, Episode 15
While I do enjoy the songs in this episode (I listen to Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics every Christmas), the episode itself isn’t really an episode. There are a few laughs between the music and the animation, but it’s the definition of a filler episode. Plus the songs in the film Bigger, Longer, and Uncut that were released earlier the same year are much better.
288. Helen Keller! The Musical
Season 4, Episode 13
The main joke of the episode is that the kids are convinced the kindergarten Thanksgiving Play is amazing because Butters talked it up so much. Of course, Butters totally oversold it because it’s Butters. Timmy’s bond with the handicapped turkey Gobbles rings true and it’s funny that Timmy, cast as Helen Keller, can’t stop saying “Timmy!”, but there isn’t much else here.
287. Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods
Season 2, Episode 11
The funniest part of this episode is the title and the constellation Roger Ebert. The one-note joke of the Planetarium director not being able to say the letter ‘t’ wears thin fast. Cartman’s journey to be on the Cheesy Poofs commercial has a few laughs, and his excitement when his spot is reduced to him saying “lame” is a good payoff. All in all though, it’s representative of how poorly a chunk of classic episodes have aged.
286. Summer Sucks
Season 2, Episode 8
Just not a very good episode. The idea of a giant snake after fireworks are made illegal in Colorado is an alright disaster parody, especially when they discover a snake that size would burn for 17 months. Garrison’s introspection of being gay when Mr. Hat disappears are the episodes few highlights. I do like the ending of Chef’s anger upon returning from vacation to seeing everyone covered in black face from the snake soot.
285. Korn’s Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery
Season 3, Episode 15
I liked this episode a lot more when it came out because I was a big Korn fan back then…to be thirteen again. The costume contest and Kenny’s super expensive Robocop ED-209 costume not winning is a good gag throughout the episode. The morticians demonstrating what the necrophiliacs would be doing to Kyle’s Grandma is South Park gross out humour at its finest. Countering the perception that Korn was a devil-worshipping band by portraying them like Scooby-Do is funny as a concept, but it doesn’t really translate to a 22 minute joke. The funniest joke of the episode to me is the existence of South Park Docks and Pirate Ghosts in the Colorado Rockies.
284. Turd Burglars
Season 23, Episode 8
I can’t even describe how disappointed with this episode I was because Season 23 was otherwise solid. At first I was excited we were getting an episode that mostly revolved round some the female characters of the show, but goddamn was this episode shitty, and I don’t mean that just as a pun. While the ridiculous shitting and vomiting was hilarious when it first happened, it was just diminishing returns. And all the Tom Brady stuff and people thinking about “the spice” was the least funny thing South Park has ever done. I’ve only seen the episode once so I don’t feel right putting this dead last, but this episode is definitely a turd. Tom Brady shitting himself on the field in Taming Strange was 10x funnier than this episode as a whole.
283. Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers
Season 17, Episode 4
The highlight of this episode is the opening title sequence performed by The Goth Kids. There’s some humour in no one understanding the difference between the moody cliques, inciting The Goth Kids to ditch their once unique look to get clothes from the Gap. After, a ball lands by them during recess and it’s said the ball landed by “big nose, the midget, the fat girl, and the kid with pock marks on his face”, which forces them to go to war with the emos to reclaim their identity shield. The reveal that kids are being turned into emos by talking plants all being part of a reality TV show is a pretty funny twist. I like The Goth Kids as characters, but they aren’t strong enough to carry an entire episode.
282. The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000
Season 4, Episode 1
The worst season premiere of the series is The Tooth Fairy Tats. The black market for Tooth Fairy money isn’t all that interesting. The funniest part of the episode is the ADA (American Dental Association) responding to the black market and saying the half-chicken, half-squirrel is the culprit and has nefarious designs for the teeth and/or money. The episode could’ve touched more on the disillusionment of finding out The Tooth Fairy isn’t real and been better, but that was done better in Crack Baby Athletic Association; the kids discovering this because Cartman losing 118 teeth makes Cartman’s mom even poorer is an amusing joke. Special mention of Kenny’s cement boot death during the credits.
281. Handicar
Season 18, Episode 4
Season 18 is one of the strongest seasons, notably introducing more serialized elements for the first time, but Handicar is the sole weak point. It doesn’t contribute to the season’s stories in any meaningful way. Wacky Races was before my time so none of that really hits for me. The Matt McConaughey parody loses its appeal after several times. Nathan’s hatred of summer camp motivating his villainy is the strength of the episode. His castigating the Russian cabbies' stupidity when they punish Timmy by breaking his legs is fucking hilarious. At least the episode saved the best laugh for the end when Nathan finally comes clean with his mom about not wanting to go to camp and she says, “I’m sorry, I can’t understand you, honey. You’re handicapped.” And while Nathan throws a fit she tells her husband Nathan doesn’t want to go to camp before saying, “I’ll be damned if he’s going to ruin our Italy trip.”
280. An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Season 1, Episode 5
This is first episode from the first season to make the list. I tried to judge the classic episodes without letting how episodes have aged impact it – which is difficult since old South Park is so different from post 2004 South Park. This episode really doesn’t stand the test of time to me. I thought it was a lot funnier when I was eleven than I do now. There are some chuckles along the way, but other than establishing Shelly’s character, this episode doesn’t have much of a legacy since Mephesto pretty much disappeared a few seasons in, not having a relevant role until the callback of Cartman’s Father in 200/201.
279. Eek, a Penis!
Season 12, Episode 5
Outside of being an episode semi-crucial to Garrison’s seemingly endless transformation, it’s a really mediocre episode. Garrison has an identity crisis because he believes even after his sex-change operation he’s still really a man because he can’t get pregnant so he aims to regrow his penis on a mouse, which escapes and terrifies the women of South Park. There are good miscommunication jokes like Butters being asked how he knows what his teacher’s penis looks like. My favourite part of the episode is Eric Cartmanez teaching inner city students how to cheat like white people, like Bill Belichick, in a nice parody of those movies that were really popular in the 90’s. He tells a pregnant Latina to get an abortion because that’s how white girls succeed, “by cheating that baby out of a chance at life”.
278. Damien
Season 1, Episode 10
The biggest shock rewatching Damien is the fact Damien has an episode named after him and he’s a non-factor the rest of the series. He’s not a terrific character though his arc of palling around with Pip after being bullied and then realizing he can be accepted by bullying Pip is funny. The plot is pretty out there for early South Park, bringing in Satan and Jesus as characters in February 1998 was a pretty bold move. But considering Satan has been such an important side character, even being a central character in Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, I’m surprised Damien has never given a single line again. His legacy is turning poor Kenny into a Duck-Billed Platypus. While the episode is mostly forgettable, I get a kick of Satan taking a dive in his boxing match against Jesus to take everyone’s money and laugh at them – it is a very devilish thing to do.
277. Jakovasaurs
Season 3, Episode 4
I have a feeling many people would rank this closer to the bottom. It is a pretty annoying episode, but since the episode is about how annoying the Jakovasaurs are, it mitigates it for me. It is humourous that everyone hates them, except for Cartman, who probably bonds with them because everyone hates him. Jakov vs. Officer Barbrady is pretty great scene, and that and the way the French find Jakov to be hilarious are what put this above some others.
276. A Million Little Fibers
Season 10, Episode 5
Season 10 is easily on the Mount Rushmore of South Park Seasons, but this episode is a very weak offering. I actually read A Million Little Pieces back when it was first release, and I thought it was legitimate, so I really appreciate that South Park went after James Frey for being a huckster…and Oprah (because fuck her, right?). While I enjoy the Towelie half of this episode somewhat, the trials and tribulations of Oprah’s neglected minge wears thing pretty fast despite it being the sort of ridiculous material South Park usually makes pure gold: see Cock Magic.
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